To me, this was the hardest to overcome but once I did, learning about my own power is a key element to my continued healing.  As long as I believed I was helpless, I could not believe I could be responsible for my change.  I needed to take back my power.  I needed to believe I could make a difference in my life.

As a child, I had no say in what happened to me.  I was not responsible for the abuse that happened to me.  I did not attract it.  I did not deserve it, no matter what my abusers said about me.  I couldn’t fight back.  I was little, my abusers were big. My few attempts involved brutal reminders that I was helpless.  Emotionally I believed I was crippled, I felt I had no power, no control, and no hope of this changing.  School was different.  I started to feel success in school.  I started discovering that if I wanted to change I could.  Then I would go home and life was the same….I was helpless to change my circumstances.  I tried and tried to make changes…but I did not understand the influences in my life that continued to reinforce my feelings of helplessness.  My last resort was counseling.

The first time my therapist told me I had to take back my power, I was totally confused.  What power?  I didn’t have any power to take back.  Or so I thought.  Weeks and weeks of discussion about what power I have and how could I use it.  I would start to say something like, “I have to do__________.”  Or “I have no choice___________.”  Any time I implied I was helpless my therapist disagreed with me then pointed out my options.  I pointed out to him the ugly consequences.  He would shrug.  On more than one occasion I had intense desire to do him bodily harm.   Couldn’t he see I was helpless?  He would get frustrated with me, couldn’t I see how powerful I was?  We started with little choices.  I had to ask someone that wasn’t family for something with the expectation of getting it.  DH and I were at a restaurant and I asked for more bread sticks.  I went back to my next counseling session and reported gleefully that I asked for and got the bread sticks.  My counselor was less than impressed.  He pointed out that the restaurant gave everyone more bread sticks.  I childishly pouted and pointed out that I did ask.  This was one of those defining conversations that pointed out to my counselor how damaged I was and how much work needed to be done.  Finding my power was not without consequences.  I lost friends.  People that always pushed me around didn’t want to be friends with me when I stopped letting them push me around.  I lost my job.  I started fighting back and they labeled me difficult and not a team player.  I lost my crutch.  I could no longer blame someone else for my failures.  I lost my excuses.  I was now responsible for my actions.

I am not or never was responsible for my abuse.  I am responsible for choosing to heal.  This is a significant difference.  If someone throws me into a pile of poop, I did not ask for that to happen to me.  I did not attract it.  I am responsible if I choose to stay in that pile of poop.  I chose to take back my power and change my life.  There was nothing my abusers could do to stop me.  Once I chose my power to be my guiding light, nothing in my past could stop me.  My past still influences me.  I still struggle.  But as soon as I say “I have to_________”, I remind myself that I have power to choose.  I start to look for my options.  I step back for a moment and consider who is big enough in my life to make me do anything.  No one.  I choose to work with loved ones, coworkers and others to bring about positive results and build relationships, however, I choose it…no one can make me.

Religious perspective of the power we have.  I believe this is true for both men and women.  The first step to abuse a child is to prove to them they are powerless.  Believing that I am powerful was one of the most difficult challenges I faced.

Men version

Women version