Sneaky Grief

My counselor did not warn me when he helped me reconnect to emotions that these pesky things are messy, sneaky, inconvenient and down right troublesome.  I am struggling in a morass of emotions of my own making.  But I’ve never been happier, more at peace or better adjusted.  Too many people want to runaway from emotions by any means possible, bottom line, they creep back into your life over and over.  Holidays are supercharged with emotions….not just good ones either.  I was shocked when I was feeling a deepening sadness just because I couldn’t send a Halloween card to every grandchild.  There is no mailing address for Heaven.  I took a mental health day and drove to her grave site and sat there for a while.  Picked up the flowers that were knocked down on a neighboring grave.  I then took cards to everyone of the grandkids that lived close enough for me to drive to their houses.  Some I mailed because they live too far away.  Grief snuck up on me.  It came camouflaged as sadness.  I am learning that many emotions hide behind other emotions.  Sadness hides grief.  Anger covers for hurt, fear and frustration.  This is just the beginning of how convoluted and screwed up emotions can be.  No small wonder I would rather hide out in my computer game world than sift through the mounting deluge of emotions.  Big sigh.  I can do tough stuff.  Emotions are tough stuff.

4 thoughts on “Sneaky Grief

  1. You are so right–we want to reconnect to our emotions, only to discover that some of them are surprisingly painful! I had some of that experience last week myself. I have to hang on to what my therapist tells me: they are just emotions. They aren’t who you are. They don’t last forever. They won’t kill you. You can let them in, feel them deeply, and then let them go. I’ve noticed that as soon as I say, “Okay, Sadness, I will let you in,” Sadness becomes just a little less painful. But if I fight to keep Sadness out, she actually stays around longer and pokes me harder.

    I hope things get easier for you.

  2. I spent years disconnecting from emotions because I thought it was easier. Once I started working on reconnecting to them, I was surprised at how many emotions can manifest as other ones. It takes great strength to be able to sit with one’s self and figure out what other emotions may be in the works. Be proud of the strength you have, and hopefully you won’t need it as much in the future.

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