I was doing really great at the beginning of this year, at least I thought so. Then Covid locked downs hit. My job went from classroom to practically nothing, but fortunately still employed. I still thought I was doing ok. Not impressed with the World reaction to another flu, but I was coping. Then after the worse of it passed the Mask mandate happened. I did my research, I was going to save the World making the best masks ever. That is when my World started falling apart. I realized that masks, the way untrained people use them, doesn’t work. I checked in with doctors, I did the research, I had all this fabric and I was angry that the World was being lied to that wearing masks work. People threatened you with death if you didn’t wear the mask….remember I said before that the masks were not mandated until after the first major wave of illnesses. Politicians and actors were telling the World if you don’t wear the mask you will die or worse you could kill someone you love. Me – TOTAL melt down. This is the monstrous crap my childhood abuser would do me. I realized my worse nightmare of screeching lies just multiplied by millions. A mask was used during my worse abuse to silence me, shame me, and muffle my screams. Someone had the audacity to tell me it was just a little piece of fabric and to get over myself and wear it. It symbolized so much more to me. The World is accepting abusive behavior from their leaders everywhere. I fell a part.
What to do, what to do?
Back to basics. To shop, go to my job, and go to church I must wear a mask. I chose to view the mask as my way of accepting the requirements to do what I wanted or needed to do. I stopped sewing masks accept for loved ones that needed them for the same reasons. I am accepting that a government that I believed would protect me in times of danger, will turn on me and blame me for problems I have no control over just like my childhood abusers. I realized I am back in the same ugly hole.
Back to basics. Accept what I cannot change. Prepare what I need to do for my survival. Accept that the country I live in has many corrupt and self-seeking leaders that will sale my future and my safety for their own gain. I cannot change the choices they make. My one little vote won’t get them out either.
Back to basics. What can I do to prepare myself for the problems we are facing? How do I care for myself in these dangerous times? What can I do to help others? Reminder, the only person I can control is myself and my reaction to events.
Back to basics. Is there enough food in the house? Do I have to go to work this week? Is there gas in my car? These things I can control.
Back to basics. Setting my boundaries for what I will do and how I respond to this crisis is 100% in my control.
Back to basics. What do I need to do to protect myself? Am I prepared to the best of my knowledge?
Back to basics. I joined two counseling support groups. One is general chatting about our week between coworkers, the other is a grief group. I am grieving my loss of feeling like I am protected in this country, I am not. This is a heavy loss for me. In the title of this blog the first back to basics is acceptance. I am working on acceptance. Heavy sigh. Acceptance is hard.